Crash

Sometimes when I'm driving I fantasize about being in an accident.  I crave the sound of the impact, the smell of the bending, crunching metal and the complete and utter surrender to whatever may come.

I've been in 2 car crashes. In the first I flipped an old SUV on a winter country road, 6 times clockwise and twice end over end before coming to a dead stop upside down in a drought laden creek bed. I woke up several hours later with a concussion and hanging upside down from my seat belt.  I had reacted poorly to a dog who decided to run out in front of me on that icy winter night.

In the second I ran into a car going about 45mph t-bone-style when the driver decided to cross 6 lanes of traffic about 10 yards in front of me.

I'm not sure where this fantasy daydream comes from but when I have it, nothing seems more real.  In both cases I was completely calm. My heart didn't race. I eased into the slow motion frame rate crash with complete acceptance.  My mind was blue-water clear.  If I had to make a guess that's probably what I'm looking for.  Clarity and acceptance.